What happens in times of life when disappointment and pain hit us in the gut and knock the wind out of us like a dodgeball on the elementary playground, is a paradigm shift. Us young bucks would say "Boom- Roasted". Paradigm- explosion. And for me, the past few years of my life were a bite out of life that didn't taste as I had expected. This altered my view of myself, but most unnervingly my view of God. Can He be trusted? Is He good? This whole Jesus thing is no longer, "walk perfectly and get what you want", but it's take what ever He gives you with open hands, wild flowers in open fields grace, and dodgeball-to-the-gut grace. But how to see all of this as grace is not a question easily answered.
Take the parable of the Prodigal Son (ideas provoked by The Prodigal God by:Tim Keller, another great book recommendation) for instance. What dodge ball to the gut grace does to the church-raised-good-set-an-example-be-a-mentor-sing-church-songs-pastors-kid-girl is tells her that being the older brother in that story, doing everything right, doesn't always get you what you want. The fatted calf wasn't cooked up for the goody two-shoes. And being the younger brother isn't quite the right approach either "It's something else all together (Keller)" Dodgeball grace tells her that God's grace is sufficient at all times yet, made perfect in her weakness. It tells her that she wasn't the one deciding if she stands or falls, and that she isn't the foundation beneath her feet. Her faith isn't the foundation, her knowing what she believes isn't the foundation, her knowing what she is good at and where she's headed isn't the foundation.... and her being happy with God is certainly not either.
In Peter Scazzero's Emotionally Healthy Church he says at one point in his life "I thanked God for the gift of depression". Listening to this audiobook on a run one day I stopped dead in my tracks. The gift?! A small flame of anger shot up inside me, as I found my self looking back on what had been the previous year of fighting such a battle, or "gift", excuse me. But it wasn't long before the awareness of truth covered my senses like blankets of sunlight and expanded my lungs like the breeze... Wow... I thought, it really is a gift. Were it not for such times, I wouldn't have seen how much in need of the grace of God I truly am... I would not have been forced to lean on Him as my only Love, my only Strength, and my only Hope. I also received eyes of compassion for the hurting, they were no longer "those people" ---they were me. He was allowing me to be weak- drawing me to Himself---what could be more valuable than closer proximity? If that's what it took, it was worth it.
However, just like the human I am, after a few more dodge balls and disappointments, I have been left frustrated at God and frustrated at my image of Him... I want so badly to learn who He is. I believe that He is good... I think .... because He says so.... but for all I know, in God-speak, "good" could just be "mean"... haha. Do you ever feel that way? "I know you're good, but what does that mean? Why are You so mean to me?!"
Asking the Lord these questions, coming to grips with His trustworthiness and goodness, He has been taking me back- back to places of pain in my mind and heart--- and see them for what they are--- so that I don't always associate Him with pain or what feels like punishment (I'm telling you, read The Anatomy of the Soul by:Curt Thompson if u need brain re-wiring, i'm still workin on it.). And I'm slowly regaining conscious trust in Him through the process.
The Bible says "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!", would he give me a stone when I asked for bread? Uhhhh. These words stung my heart- because I wasn't sure I trusted Him to do follow through, and if He were to do so- "Good" has meant "ouch" for a while now, so why would I want more of that--- would "good" ever feel good again??? (Lk 11:13)
So here I am today, and what does all of this have to do with anything? It has to do with me believing that after I have suffered a little while, He Himself will restore me (1 Peter 5:10) and that the righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them and He delivers them from all their troubles (Ps 34:17).
When I was dreaming about taking a much needed mini-sobatical, a sabbath for the soul, quitting everything ---- I asked that the Lord would fund such a time. I prayed that He would make it financially feasible to change my life for ever by reorienting myself to Him, learning who He is and who I am, taking a breath and letting Him restore me. Not quite believing that "good" always feels good, or that God and I would ever ever agree on what the word "good" actually means (God:"Wow this mac and cheese is good!" Me:"Dude, it tastes like feet." God:"Exactly!"<That's how it felt for a while), I wasn't sure where this prayer would go, but I figured it was worth asking.
When I prayed this (at the dish sink in the back room of Paoli Starbucks) I felt a small increase in the faith tank of my heart--- He might just do that... And when it came time to walk into this much needed empty... I walked with full confidence that He would. And He has, step by step, been placing it on hearts- without me saying a word. Not just money either, other things I needed as well. And yet, in the past few days some decisions have come up that I can't make until I know how much "funding" He is actually going to do. So, TODAY I asked the Lord to show me today what He was planning on doing so that I could prioritize, and make some choices----doubts crept in. I tried to squash them. I had a sense in my heart that I could just keep doing what I needed, and take this break for all that it could be--- not worrying about the money.
My mom called today from work, before she got a chance to bring up money, I mentioned that I am trying to be careful and make good choices, I know I am supposed to be taking a break- but maybe God will want me to work if I am to do all of this small trips and things I have been wanting to do... Then, in answer to my prayer... she told me that God had provided some support through someone already--- TODAY!!!!! WHATTTTTT!!!!!!! I got all clammy and started to cry- the realization that He straight up heard my prayer and answered it. Confirming that He wants me here, and that He is ordering my steps. No one, no doubt, nothing can take that away from me.
He is here. Sweeping me up in good by force.
And I might say, good feels good again...at least for today.
I love it when that happens!!!!
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