Peace: While Heavy Hearted and Helpless...

I woke up to the sound of a single car passing outside my open third floor window. I had dreamt a myriad of strange dreams, all deep, meaningful, with a strange and quirky stage-act quality. I rubbed last nights make up off of my eyes, and felt a sore throb in my stomach, an ache in my spirit. A shallow breath entered my lungs. I quietly wondered how many parents didn’t sleep at all last night, holding each other in retching sobs and blank stares, images of their precious baby kids reeling through their mind. Gut-torn by extinguished potential, lives on the brink of living fully, how beautiful they would have been. Instead, yesterday was an iron door slamming violently in one’s face when he thought he was standing in his own house. A vicious closure on something intrinsically wide open: young life. 

Another car passed outside my widow and I sprang up out of bed. I couldn’t shake the sound of my student’s voices from my mind, their smiles and their sweet hugs. Unavoidable images commenced a coup d’état and stormed in to my head, images of their precious bodies being shot, images of losing our staff members and children; it wasn’t us, it wasn’t us, I reminded myself with an achey gratefulness; but it could have been. 

Where am I? How did I get here? I just moved to Connecticut. This wonderful place has always been a part of my family and now it’s a part of my daily life. I’m suddenly homesick, I want to go home. I want to smell the Christmas tree at my parents house and remember that I’m still alive, remember my childhood, and not just this adult existence, seemingly isolated in time. I want to be near my family...  But, the faint melodies of Christmas carols fade away completely and there are no sounds outside the window. Oh, these precious families.

Families are out there, dying, their spirits are dying; this will be their worst Christmas ever. Yet, my heart yearns for a moment of hope, and asks me questions: Is it possible for peace to settle in? Is it possible for sunlight to come in through the window, onto the carpet where a parent lay, warm their back, and let them breathe after a day and night of weeping? Can soul-healing rest be brought in a gift wrapped box with a knock upon their door? Can a song feed them compassion? My own answer: Helpless; we all feel helpless. 

Truth radiates despite myself, through the stillness and the disdainful melancholy of the gray morning. For that I am so grateful, I count on it. I count on that permanent well that springs up within when all hope is lost, when life is stolen. Up it springs this morning.

        This is the Truth:  There is a peace, as strong as a warrior, yet as gentle as the ray of light on the carpet. It can consume one’s soul and hold it tight in an otherworldly embrace, like a heavy blanket; I have known this peace. Can a moment of the peace I have known be spared for these families? Is it even possible to catch tears in a torrential downpour of salty sea rain drops? Yes. I am desperate give a tender apology for my glimmering belief that Peace has His precious place in our lives, in our state, and in our world, for fear it may seem like a mockery of grief; however it is not mockery, it is determination to hope for our friends, so for that I do not apologize. We will grieve with them and cry with them, and we will pray for Peace.  

Peace, oh God we come to You. You are Light in the darkness, you are Good among all of this evil. Peace, oh God, be. Be in the lives of these families, be patches of sunlight for their weary bodies, be harbors of safety for their sea-scarred souls, be small glimmers of joy in a day where they were robbed blindly of irreplaceable treasures. Be. with. our. friends. Oh, God of Peace, Be. We can only give the comfort we have received, and we need an increasing abundance to share with our neighbors. We look to You and You only as the Light that can bring Hope, there is no other. 

In the name of the Lamb who shed His own blood, for Mercy on our behalf, 

Jesus,

Amen. 

Material Possessions

Whew,

I finally have an operating computer again. So, back to blogging it is!

I talked about Simplicity a lot last year- that was my goal. I was so into the little details that I forgot to tell you about the SIMPLE message of the whole process (ironic, yes).

I was aiming to simplify
1. My material possessions
2. Schedule
3. Thoughts and emotions

I was able to do all three a good bit. But I've noticed, as this new season of life is creeping up on me that clutter has quietly threatened to reappear. Oh no, us simplified are much to savvy to let THAT happen.

I'm packing ....for the 7th time in 2 years... this weekend. This time, it seems I will be able to settle for a while. *SIGH. OF. RELIEF* As I am going through my things I was reminded of my experience last year.

When I began my blog I was determined to simplify in all ways. And I started with my schedule as the big biggie, I changed my life. I learned what it felt like to have a schedule with empty space. As this life change was taking place, I went through my clothes and things and tried to be honest about what I didn't wear or use (but carried from place to place anyway). I was a brutal, brutal purger - I did need supervision however, a fellow purger to make sure I didn't make excuses.

I ended up with a box of stuff, two bags of clothes, and some shoes. I put a post on Facebook about what I had. Within one day, I had two messages: two girls, both the right size, one needed dress clothes and the other needed casual clothes. One was pregnant and changing sizes, the other had a new job with a new dress code and not a lot of money. The next day, I got a post from someone who needed the shoes. I was able to give to some one's NEED exactly, and be part of the Project of God's provision through the Body, by getting rid of my own excess. I am reminded of this as I am packing again to get rid of the things I am holding on to for no reason, because I don't know that someone else doesn't NEED what I have.

It gets me thinking. Happier is the giver than the receiver, says the Bible- the joy that one receives from giving goes just a little bit deeper than that which comes to those who receive. Not to say the gift doesn't bring immense joy, our course it does! But receiver may not have that thing forever, while the giver sees a new side of themselves that doesn't hold to things too tightly, the giver becomes something. That is eternal. Give, friends, let's give!!

I can't say that I have been an expert on simplification this year- but the blessings carried over as I had to move a few times and I definitely had less to worry about. God had a different theme for my life for this year. It was amazing!!!! The lessons that I learned in my season of "simplicity" were able to support the lesson this year. Ironically, the theme of this year was "abundance" and boy did God follow through on that. But before it all happened I had to learn to not be attached to things as much, or maybe I just had to do some stuff-ventory on my mind, heart, and closet before abundance would do me any good.

In conclusion, give away what you don't need, or don't use, your house will feel cleaner and you will feel lighter! And someone will be so so grateful that you are giving that particular thing away at the exact time that they need it... Unless it's like a VCR Rewinder... and I honestly don't know a soul who needs that. Just get rid of it! Maybe someone we don't know will need it at the goodwill. ;)

Have a great day!

Christ the Counselor: So this is the beginning.

Christ the Counselor: So this is the beginning.: I'm not really a blogger. I don't follow them, and I barely know how this works. But one morning I was eating my breakfast doing my devos...


Excited to follow this blog! follow with me!!!!!


Wow- I need to add an entry soon.

I am a Christian, I am an artist: A sort of book review.

IF THIS entry peaked your interest, my guess is that you are either a Christian, an artist, both, - or interested in those topics, -or possibly you were bored on facebook. Either way, your interest is appreciated and I'd love feedback. 

With my most recent reads being "Radical" by David Platt, "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge, "Art for God's Sake" by Phillip Ryken, and "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland - I am finding the matters of my discipleship, my heart, and my artistic talents intensely challenged all at once- a siege on all of my most vulnerable fronts. The most intense being on the matter of discipleship. I feel this incredible tension between seemingly opposing ideas that apparently coexist relating to Christianity and artistry. Steward artistic gifts now, wait on His timing. Sell everything,  expect and receive His blessings gratefully. He's put dreams in our hearts -out of which life springs (Eldridge's book) , yet our hearts are wicked and set against God (Platt's book- describing our need for God's salvation). What is going on?! So a conversation in my soul has begun, or been re-awakened if the truth be told, and I want to invite you along.

Forgive me if I am over zealous. Or don't. 

Radical, I recently got as a gift in the mail from a friend (Thanks Tom!) I thought it would just be inspiring and fun. Instead it's giving my paradigm a jolt, which is more necessary than feeling all good about myself. It is a straightforward book about the calling that Christ actually presented to His followers. Ie. when a guy said to Him "I want to follow you" --- He didn't say "Ok Sweetie, before you leave I want to buy you a nice pair of Keens and make sure your life at home is all tidy and everyone understands your choices." He said - Skip your dad's funeral, don't say goodbye, and don't pack anything. What? My current understanding of my Christianity would demand that I feel more comfortable with this arrangement, more convinced of every detail - before I made a move; that can't be right. Platt tells stories of the persecuted church sacrificing everything just to read the Bible together. He also reflects on Christ's incredible sacrifice on the Cross for which words are not suffice, and admitting that I may not be willing to give all in return makes me sick to my stomach. Reading this book is making it much harder to pretend that Jesus didn't demand everything. Everything. Jesus said the path is narrow- feed His sheep, give it all, take up your cross... and it's freaking me out- because I am deeply aware that I know nothing of sacrifice. I am challenged to evaluate if I am doing this for real. Is there any evaluation more vital? It changes everything. 

In light of this, I remind myself that there is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set [us] free from law of sin and death (Romans 8:1 -emphasis mine). I AM saved by grace- through faith, not works. The challenge comes when I am faced with the sobering reality of working out my faith with fear and trembling. To what am I holding more tightly than Christ? Who in my immediate surrounding am I neglecting to love? Am I alone in being terrified by this, even though we are well aware of the security of what has already been done through Christ? Am I? I feel as though I am when I am rebutted with "He doesn't mean you sell everything" or "He's happy that you want to do the right thing" .... Well what then, did He mean? He ate and He fasted, He was free and he sweated blood for obedience to the Father, and I can't pretend like this isn't real. 

Waking the Dead is about letting our hearts be brought back to life. Suggesting that we know God with our hearts, see Him with our hearts, hear from Him in our hearts, and our hearts are where our life is. The fact is, these truths are all over the Bible: Love the Lord with all your HEART, Trust in the Lord with all your HEART, above all else guard your HEART for it is the wellspring of life, etc.  Why would God warn us to guard our hearts if there was not a threat on their wellbeing? There is a threat indeed. The enemy seeks to steal kill, and destroy; where better to start than the core of our being, the feet with which we walk out the greatest commandment - the seat of our passion and dreams - the seat of our souls- our hearts? Of course! So it's in reading this book I have been encouraged to seek healing in the inner parts of my heart that were hurt and find life again. When doing that, it is impossible not to encounter our deepest desires like running into an old friend on the street. Oh, hey! Hey you, Hey there deepest, truest, most idealized hope-filled dream of mine that I locked up years ago when you seemed threatened. Hey there. Could this be? Could this be a quiet and true calling? As true as the white in the moon, and the orange in the leaves all over the ground? Deep and beautiful truth. What to do with these dreams when facing the call for discipleship makes be supremely, divinely, and suddenly utterly aware of all of my shortcomings and failures, and ever grateful for His grace. I'm called to believe that nothing is impossible with God, if these heart beats reflect His purposes then He will bring them to pass, for His purposes cannot be thwarted. What a huge, undeserved blessing. They will look different than I can imagine - because He will have to keep whittling me down to pure desire, and full dependence on Him so that these things bring Him all the glory. It will be a process, and I have responsibilities of my own to follow Him with everything- willing to sell all, even die -or maybe just willing to record a song that might be less than perfect. Perhaps that's the cross for the day- well, that looks embarrassingly easy now doesn't it? 

Art for God's Sake, and The Heart of the Artist - the former imploring the artist, pleading the case of using the arts for God with excellence as part of the divine calling on our lives, the latter with more specific details on characteristics useful for carrying these skills out everyday, especially in the Church. Both of these books challenge me to put my skills to use to glorify God. To steward, tend well to, and grow in all of them are parts of my responsibility as a disciple. Ah! Now the ideas are colliding. Being an artist is somehow tied with the intensity of following Christ in total surrender as His follower. That's actually an incredibly uplifting thought - Could my total surrender include being the best artist I can be? That sounds enjoyable! However, difficult, because truly stewarding my gifts means discipline (ouch), working on art when I don't feel like it (nooo!), and worst of all ---sharing my art before I feel like it's perfect. 

I can't tell you how hard this is. I have a basement filled with half-completed canvases, and incomplete songs are scribbled down and shoved in my piano bench on a daily basis. I leave songs incomplete to avoid the responsibility of letting other's hear them. It's selfish. Completely self serving. Honestly, the only reason I keep my songs under the light of the moon and only in the safety of all ears sleeping, is because I know they aren't perfect -and I know there is better music out there. How lame is that?! It's only provision for my pride if I am honest. I don't want to be less than, I don't want to be lacking, I don't want to disappoint myself, you, or God. 

So, I keep a piano bench filled with songs and a basement filled with canvases. It is my responsibility as a good steward, and moreover as a disciple to complete these pieces, and to record music on the lame equipment I DO have. [So could it be that this terrifying surrender will actually lead to me being the best artist I can, and because I've gone through this process of getting to the end of myself it will more glorify God?! Is that what it means, when you lay your life down for His sake you'll find it - Or is that too trivial an interpretation? Tell me!] In contrast to this, I believe that there is a season for everything and to rush art or music before it's time can be devastating. So, I wait in this in-between, as long as I know I'm not hanging on for my perfectionism, willing to wait on God's timing for such things. The tension is breaking me up on the inside. 

There comes a point where I just have to DO something, and He has been leading me through open doors for the art that is happening in my life for sure - but I guess reading these books has made me more aware of what I'm not doing, and I'm starting to wonder how I will have time for it all, and how I will prioritize. Seasons for everything? But what about when I want everything in the same season?!

Epilogue:

It was once prophesied over me that I have the gift of creativity/invention. I opened my eyes, head bowed, and looked for paint on my jeans that could have spilled the beans to this prayerful stranger - I saw none. He also said that as it came closer to the time for release of this creativity I would feel like a women in her 8th month of pregnancy, frustrated and ready for the waiting to be over!!! He reminded me that a baby born prematurely brings with it many difficult complications, and as is such with some of the God given ideas on my heart coming to life. Well, I forget about these conversations until moments like this when the tension of these theologies and ideas is pulling me from all directions - suspending my heart 200 feet in the air, somehow, in the center of my gut. I might explode. I feel like working through all of these ideas will have to lead to some kind of creative explosion... or something. How accurate was this man who heard from the Holy Spirit? A real presence of a real God. It's blowing my mind every day. Come on 9 months! 

Simplifying Thoughts

Hello Blog, I forgot you existed!  Hello fellow bloggers you I did not forget! And thanks for reading!!!

As I followed this journey onto making things a little bit more simple. I noticed three areas of life that required decluttering to give the most freedom and lend towards a truly simple life.

1. Material posessions
2. Thoughts
3. Time/Schedule

I am going to go out of order and comment on #2. Thoughts. While I new this was a necessary element to pare down, I truly recognized some of the benefits on our family vacation in July.

I remember sitting down and talking to my uncle. I was hearing what he was saying, I was listening to what he was saying, AND (catch this) my thoughts were present in the topic of conversation. This may sound a small feat to those who have never struggled with wandering thoughts, or found themselves to be slightly self-absorbed in tough times, but for me this was monumental.

 My Grandma Susan and I have had multiple conversations on the topic of worry and anxeity and this was one conclusion we came to undoubtedly: Worry and anxiety stem from the idea that it's all up to me. Meaning, I have to figure this out or... What if I won't be able to pay for... and Where will I go after... and I don't know what to do with... All of these anxious thoughts are based on a foundation that I am solely responsable for the understanding, provision, and planning... of everything relating to my life. Ouch! Wow, I feel like that fights against so much of the faith I profess. "Do not lean on your own understanding." "It is GOD who gives wisdom and understanding to the heart." "He is able to provide all of our needs according to His riches in glory" "For I know the plans I HAVE for you"

I don't struggle with anxiety much any more, thanks to God. But I remember in more anxious days feeling a weight of guilt when I would hear the passage "Be anxious about nothing".... I cannot be not anxious, I would think to myself. And once it is physiological, at times it is true that we cannot help being physically anxious. However, I have come to realize that instead of this passage saying JUST STOP! just STOP IT! STOP WORRYING as I heard it before (Which is impossible! how can I empty my mind of thoughts, without new thoughts with which to replace them? And, it's condemning, which Christ is NOT.), perhaps it means: Stop believing the lie that it's all up to you. Stop carrying the weight of what is not solely yours. Choose, choose to believe the truth that I AM with you, that I DO have plans that I am leading you through. Choose to believe what Corrie Ten Boom says "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still". Perhaps anxiety is flowing from the depths of I. am. alone. Christ does not command us to just put our deepest fears aside, scoffing at them. He knows they come from deep places, He knows life has brought us things that leave us with messages, lies, scarring our hearts. He doesn't ask us to stuff it, pretend, deny it... He softly asks us to pray about these things, and in so doing remember all that He has promised. In time, His perfect Love puts these fears to rest.

So when we simplify our thoughts we are not reveling in the future, regretting the past, or fearing the present. We simply are present. The Lord Jesus has washed my sins away, He has plans for my future and I am allowed to freely live... here. This is what I felt on vacation. Just sitting on the couch. I noticed that (unlike the year before) I was not struggling to pull my mind away from planning thoughts, bitter thoughts, or an attempt to understand everything - those things used to feel necessary for my survival. But now, with those things taken care of... there was nothing left to do but listen and be engaged in the conversation. What a relief!!!!

Things I notice to be huge weights on our minds, taking us away from the present:
1. Finances
2. I'm not good enough, how can I constantly be working towards self-improvment (this is a BIGGIE)
3. Where will I be in 3 months? What will I be doing? How will I pay for it?
4. Bitterness at being wronged

These are all things we do have to think about. But as a thought process stemming from the truth that God is the giver of ALL things, and has promised to take care of us - not a process that is an endless cycle of self-reliance. I must manage my part, and I must not be ruined with striving. It must be a process that leads to responsability and action, but not a false sense of independence. Sometimes the required action is letting go.
Bitterness is one that we are commanded to get rid of, Jesus forgives us and we must forgive as well. Bitterness rots the bones. Let him/her go, let him/her off of the hook. This is another area the Lord has challenged me on this summer and I feel alot better since working it through thoroughly and honestly once and for all. I'm no longer allowed to go back and hold people up to their wrongs in my heart. This simplifies thoughts as well. This can even simplify physical maladies.

Maybe you have other things to add to the list that clutter your mind. Maybe you find yourself at coffee with someone unable to listen to their story because your worries seem to be threatening your life, and you can't pull yourself away from problem solving for just one minute to hear the heart of another. I encourage you. Tell those thoughts that ---actually Jesus is working on that right now, because He has asked me to listen to this person I am with. He is taking over at the office, while I am at lunch -  leave me alone. haha. They have to. If you don't, in an hour you will still have NOT solved that problem and you will miss out on spending time with that person.

Take some time today and notice what you pay attention to. Observe where your mind wanders and pray asking the Lord to show you how you can rely completely on Him in those areas -reaping all of the benefits of our faith.

Help us to simplify our thoughts, Oh Lord. (It's funny because I use the word simplify, but these actions might lead us to make more space for complex creativity and holy rabbit trails- thinking on what's on His heart- while He takes care of the things we cannot fix.)

For more on that I am writing a blog on eliminating striving from our thoughts...the second on the burden list that says "I'm not good enough" -- I hope to finish it, but we shall see....

READ ON!
Planted by water,
Jess