IF THIS entry peaked your interest, my guess is that you are either a Christian, an artist, both, - or interested in those topics, -or possibly you were bored on facebook. Either way, your interest is appreciated and I'd love feedback.
With my most recent reads being "Radical" by David Platt, "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge, "Art for God's Sake" by Phillip Ryken, and "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland - I am finding the matters of my discipleship, my heart, and my artistic talents intensely challenged all at once- a siege on all of my most vulnerable fronts. The most intense being on the matter of discipleship. I feel this incredible tension between seemingly opposing ideas that apparently coexist relating to Christianity and artistry. Steward artistic gifts now, wait on His timing. Sell everything, expect and receive His blessings gratefully. He's put dreams in our hearts -out of which life springs (Eldridge's book) , yet our hearts are wicked and set against God (Platt's book- describing our need for God's salvation). What is going on?! So a conversation in my soul has begun, or been re-awakened if the truth be told, and I want to invite you along.
Forgive me if I am over zealous. Or don't.
Radical, I recently got as a gift in the mail from a friend (Thanks Tom!) I thought it would just be inspiring and fun. Instead it's giving my paradigm a jolt, which is more necessary than feeling all good about myself. It is a straightforward book about the calling that Christ actually presented to His followers. Ie. when a guy said to Him "I want to follow you" --- He didn't say "Ok Sweetie, before you leave I want to buy you a nice pair of Keens and make sure your life at home is all tidy and everyone understands your choices." He said - Skip your dad's funeral, don't say goodbye, and don't pack anything. What? My current understanding of my Christianity would demand that I feel more comfortable with this arrangement, more convinced of every detail - before I made a move; that can't be right. Platt tells stories of the persecuted church sacrificing everything just to read the Bible together. He also reflects on Christ's incredible sacrifice on the Cross for which words are not suffice, and admitting that I may not be willing to give all in return makes me sick to my stomach. Reading this book is making it much harder to pretend that Jesus didn't demand everything. Everything. Jesus said the path is narrow- feed His sheep, give it all, take up your cross... and it's freaking me out- because I am deeply aware that I know nothing of sacrifice. I am challenged to evaluate if I am doing this for real. Is there any evaluation more vital? It changes everything.
In light of this, I remind myself that there is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set [us] free from law of sin and death (Romans 8:1 -emphasis mine). I AM saved by grace- through faith, not works. The challenge comes when I am faced with the sobering reality of working out my faith with fear and trembling. To what am I holding more tightly than Christ? Who in my immediate surrounding am I neglecting to love? Am I alone in being terrified by this, even though we are well aware of the security of what has already been done through Christ? Am I? I feel as though I am when I am rebutted with "He doesn't mean you sell everything" or "He's happy that you want to do the right thing" .... Well what then, did He mean? He ate and He fasted, He was free and he sweated blood for obedience to the Father, and I can't pretend like this isn't real.
Waking the Dead is about letting our hearts be brought back to life. Suggesting that we know God with our hearts, see Him with our hearts, hear from Him in our hearts, and our hearts are where our life is. The fact is, these truths are all over the Bible: Love the Lord with all your HEART, Trust in the Lord with all your HEART, above all else guard your HEART for it is the wellspring of life, etc. Why would God warn us to guard our hearts if there was not a threat on their wellbeing? There is a threat indeed. The enemy seeks to steal kill, and destroy; where better to start than the core of our being, the feet with which we walk out the greatest commandment - the seat of our passion and dreams - the seat of our souls- our hearts? Of course! So it's in reading this book I have been encouraged to seek healing in the inner parts of my heart that were hurt and find life again. When doing that, it is impossible not to encounter our deepest desires like running into an old friend on the street. Oh, hey! Hey you, Hey there deepest, truest, most idealized hope-filled dream of mine that I locked up years ago when you seemed threatened. Hey there. Could this be? Could this be a quiet and true calling? As true as the white in the moon, and the orange in the leaves all over the ground? Deep and beautiful truth. What to do with these dreams when facing the call for discipleship makes be supremely, divinely, and suddenly utterly aware of all of my shortcomings and failures, and ever grateful for His grace. I'm called to believe that nothing is impossible with God, if these heart beats reflect His purposes then He will bring them to pass, for His purposes cannot be thwarted. What a huge, undeserved blessing. They will look different than I can imagine - because He will have to keep whittling me down to pure desire, and full dependence on Him so that these things bring Him all the glory. It will be a process, and I have responsibilities of my own to follow Him with everything- willing to sell all, even die -or maybe just willing to record a song that might be less than perfect. Perhaps that's the cross for the day- well, that looks embarrassingly easy now doesn't it? 
Art for God's Sake, and The Heart of the Artist - the former imploring the artist, pleading the case of using the arts for God with excellence as part of the divine calling on our lives, the latter with more specific details on characteristics useful for carrying these skills out everyday, especially in the Church. Both of these books challenge me to put my skills to use to glorify God. To steward, tend well to, and grow in all of them are parts of my responsibility as a disciple. Ah! Now the ideas are colliding. Being an artist is somehow tied with the intensity of following Christ in total surrender as His follower. That's actually an incredibly uplifting thought - Could my total surrender include being the best artist I can be? That sounds enjoyable! However, difficult, because truly stewarding my gifts means discipline (ouch), working on art when I don't feel like it (nooo!), and worst of all ---sharing my art before I feel like it's perfect.
I can't tell you how hard this is. I have a basement filled with half-completed canvases, and incomplete songs are scribbled down and shoved in my piano bench on a daily basis. I leave songs incomplete to avoid the responsibility of letting other's hear them. It's selfish. Completely self serving. Honestly, the only reason I keep my songs under the light of the moon and only in the safety of all ears sleeping, is because I know they aren't perfect -and I know there is better music out there. How lame is that?! It's only provision for my pride if I am honest. I don't want to be less than, I don't want to be lacking, I don't want to disappoint myself, you, or God.
So, I keep a piano bench filled with songs and a basement filled with canvases. It is my responsibility as a good steward, and moreover as a disciple to complete these pieces, and to record music on the lame equipment I DO have. [So could it be that this terrifying surrender will actually lead to me being the best artist I can, and because I've gone through this process of getting to the end of myself it will more glorify God?! Is that what it means, when you lay your life down for His sake you'll find it - Or is that too trivial an interpretation? Tell me!] In contrast to this, I believe that there is a season for everything and to rush art or music before it's time can be devastating. So, I wait in this in-between, as long as I know I'm not hanging on for my perfectionism, willing to wait on God's timing for such things. The tension is breaking me up on the inside. There comes a point where I just have to DO something, and He has been leading me through open doors for the art that is happening in my life for sure - but I guess reading these books has made me more aware of what I'm not doing, and I'm starting to wonder how I will have time for it all, and how I will prioritize. Seasons for everything? But what about when I want everything in the same season?!
Epilogue:
It was once prophesied over me that I have the gift of creativity/invention. I opened my eyes, head bowed, and looked for paint on my jeans that could have spilled the beans to this prayerful stranger - I saw none. He also said that as it came closer to the time for release of this creativity I would feel like a women in her 8th month of pregnancy, frustrated and ready for the waiting to be over!!! He reminded me that a baby born prematurely brings with it many difficult complications, and as is such with some of the God given ideas on my heart coming to life. Well, I forget about these conversations until moments like this when the tension of these theologies and ideas is pulling me from all directions - suspending my heart 200 feet in the air, somehow, in the center of my gut. I might explode. I feel like working through all of these ideas will have to lead to some kind of creative explosion... or something. How accurate was this man who heard from the Holy Spirit? A real presence of a real God. It's blowing my mind every day. Come on 9 months!
