I am a Christian, I am an artist: A sort of book review.

IF THIS entry peaked your interest, my guess is that you are either a Christian, an artist, both, - or interested in those topics, -or possibly you were bored on facebook. Either way, your interest is appreciated and I'd love feedback. 

With my most recent reads being "Radical" by David Platt, "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge, "Art for God's Sake" by Phillip Ryken, and "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland - I am finding the matters of my discipleship, my heart, and my artistic talents intensely challenged all at once- a siege on all of my most vulnerable fronts. The most intense being on the matter of discipleship. I feel this incredible tension between seemingly opposing ideas that apparently coexist relating to Christianity and artistry. Steward artistic gifts now, wait on His timing. Sell everything,  expect and receive His blessings gratefully. He's put dreams in our hearts -out of which life springs (Eldridge's book) , yet our hearts are wicked and set against God (Platt's book- describing our need for God's salvation). What is going on?! So a conversation in my soul has begun, or been re-awakened if the truth be told, and I want to invite you along.

Forgive me if I am over zealous. Or don't. 

Radical, I recently got as a gift in the mail from a friend (Thanks Tom!) I thought it would just be inspiring and fun. Instead it's giving my paradigm a jolt, which is more necessary than feeling all good about myself. It is a straightforward book about the calling that Christ actually presented to His followers. Ie. when a guy said to Him "I want to follow you" --- He didn't say "Ok Sweetie, before you leave I want to buy you a nice pair of Keens and make sure your life at home is all tidy and everyone understands your choices." He said - Skip your dad's funeral, don't say goodbye, and don't pack anything. What? My current understanding of my Christianity would demand that I feel more comfortable with this arrangement, more convinced of every detail - before I made a move; that can't be right. Platt tells stories of the persecuted church sacrificing everything just to read the Bible together. He also reflects on Christ's incredible sacrifice on the Cross for which words are not suffice, and admitting that I may not be willing to give all in return makes me sick to my stomach. Reading this book is making it much harder to pretend that Jesus didn't demand everything. Everything. Jesus said the path is narrow- feed His sheep, give it all, take up your cross... and it's freaking me out- because I am deeply aware that I know nothing of sacrifice. I am challenged to evaluate if I am doing this for real. Is there any evaluation more vital? It changes everything. 

In light of this, I remind myself that there is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set [us] free from law of sin and death (Romans 8:1 -emphasis mine). I AM saved by grace- through faith, not works. The challenge comes when I am faced with the sobering reality of working out my faith with fear and trembling. To what am I holding more tightly than Christ? Who in my immediate surrounding am I neglecting to love? Am I alone in being terrified by this, even though we are well aware of the security of what has already been done through Christ? Am I? I feel as though I am when I am rebutted with "He doesn't mean you sell everything" or "He's happy that you want to do the right thing" .... Well what then, did He mean? He ate and He fasted, He was free and he sweated blood for obedience to the Father, and I can't pretend like this isn't real. 

Waking the Dead is about letting our hearts be brought back to life. Suggesting that we know God with our hearts, see Him with our hearts, hear from Him in our hearts, and our hearts are where our life is. The fact is, these truths are all over the Bible: Love the Lord with all your HEART, Trust in the Lord with all your HEART, above all else guard your HEART for it is the wellspring of life, etc.  Why would God warn us to guard our hearts if there was not a threat on their wellbeing? There is a threat indeed. The enemy seeks to steal kill, and destroy; where better to start than the core of our being, the feet with which we walk out the greatest commandment - the seat of our passion and dreams - the seat of our souls- our hearts? Of course! So it's in reading this book I have been encouraged to seek healing in the inner parts of my heart that were hurt and find life again. When doing that, it is impossible not to encounter our deepest desires like running into an old friend on the street. Oh, hey! Hey you, Hey there deepest, truest, most idealized hope-filled dream of mine that I locked up years ago when you seemed threatened. Hey there. Could this be? Could this be a quiet and true calling? As true as the white in the moon, and the orange in the leaves all over the ground? Deep and beautiful truth. What to do with these dreams when facing the call for discipleship makes be supremely, divinely, and suddenly utterly aware of all of my shortcomings and failures, and ever grateful for His grace. I'm called to believe that nothing is impossible with God, if these heart beats reflect His purposes then He will bring them to pass, for His purposes cannot be thwarted. What a huge, undeserved blessing. They will look different than I can imagine - because He will have to keep whittling me down to pure desire, and full dependence on Him so that these things bring Him all the glory. It will be a process, and I have responsibilities of my own to follow Him with everything- willing to sell all, even die -or maybe just willing to record a song that might be less than perfect. Perhaps that's the cross for the day- well, that looks embarrassingly easy now doesn't it? 

Art for God's Sake, and The Heart of the Artist - the former imploring the artist, pleading the case of using the arts for God with excellence as part of the divine calling on our lives, the latter with more specific details on characteristics useful for carrying these skills out everyday, especially in the Church. Both of these books challenge me to put my skills to use to glorify God. To steward, tend well to, and grow in all of them are parts of my responsibility as a disciple. Ah! Now the ideas are colliding. Being an artist is somehow tied with the intensity of following Christ in total surrender as His follower. That's actually an incredibly uplifting thought - Could my total surrender include being the best artist I can be? That sounds enjoyable! However, difficult, because truly stewarding my gifts means discipline (ouch), working on art when I don't feel like it (nooo!), and worst of all ---sharing my art before I feel like it's perfect. 

I can't tell you how hard this is. I have a basement filled with half-completed canvases, and incomplete songs are scribbled down and shoved in my piano bench on a daily basis. I leave songs incomplete to avoid the responsibility of letting other's hear them. It's selfish. Completely self serving. Honestly, the only reason I keep my songs under the light of the moon and only in the safety of all ears sleeping, is because I know they aren't perfect -and I know there is better music out there. How lame is that?! It's only provision for my pride if I am honest. I don't want to be less than, I don't want to be lacking, I don't want to disappoint myself, you, or God. 

So, I keep a piano bench filled with songs and a basement filled with canvases. It is my responsibility as a good steward, and moreover as a disciple to complete these pieces, and to record music on the lame equipment I DO have. [So could it be that this terrifying surrender will actually lead to me being the best artist I can, and because I've gone through this process of getting to the end of myself it will more glorify God?! Is that what it means, when you lay your life down for His sake you'll find it - Or is that too trivial an interpretation? Tell me!] In contrast to this, I believe that there is a season for everything and to rush art or music before it's time can be devastating. So, I wait in this in-between, as long as I know I'm not hanging on for my perfectionism, willing to wait on God's timing for such things. The tension is breaking me up on the inside. 

There comes a point where I just have to DO something, and He has been leading me through open doors for the art that is happening in my life for sure - but I guess reading these books has made me more aware of what I'm not doing, and I'm starting to wonder how I will have time for it all, and how I will prioritize. Seasons for everything? But what about when I want everything in the same season?!

Epilogue:

It was once prophesied over me that I have the gift of creativity/invention. I opened my eyes, head bowed, and looked for paint on my jeans that could have spilled the beans to this prayerful stranger - I saw none. He also said that as it came closer to the time for release of this creativity I would feel like a women in her 8th month of pregnancy, frustrated and ready for the waiting to be over!!! He reminded me that a baby born prematurely brings with it many difficult complications, and as is such with some of the God given ideas on my heart coming to life. Well, I forget about these conversations until moments like this when the tension of these theologies and ideas is pulling me from all directions - suspending my heart 200 feet in the air, somehow, in the center of my gut. I might explode. I feel like working through all of these ideas will have to lead to some kind of creative explosion... or something. How accurate was this man who heard from the Holy Spirit? A real presence of a real God. It's blowing my mind every day. Come on 9 months! 

Simplifying Thoughts

Hello Blog, I forgot you existed!  Hello fellow bloggers you I did not forget! And thanks for reading!!!

As I followed this journey onto making things a little bit more simple. I noticed three areas of life that required decluttering to give the most freedom and lend towards a truly simple life.

1. Material posessions
2. Thoughts
3. Time/Schedule

I am going to go out of order and comment on #2. Thoughts. While I new this was a necessary element to pare down, I truly recognized some of the benefits on our family vacation in July.

I remember sitting down and talking to my uncle. I was hearing what he was saying, I was listening to what he was saying, AND (catch this) my thoughts were present in the topic of conversation. This may sound a small feat to those who have never struggled with wandering thoughts, or found themselves to be slightly self-absorbed in tough times, but for me this was monumental.

 My Grandma Susan and I have had multiple conversations on the topic of worry and anxeity and this was one conclusion we came to undoubtedly: Worry and anxiety stem from the idea that it's all up to me. Meaning, I have to figure this out or... What if I won't be able to pay for... and Where will I go after... and I don't know what to do with... All of these anxious thoughts are based on a foundation that I am solely responsable for the understanding, provision, and planning... of everything relating to my life. Ouch! Wow, I feel like that fights against so much of the faith I profess. "Do not lean on your own understanding." "It is GOD who gives wisdom and understanding to the heart." "He is able to provide all of our needs according to His riches in glory" "For I know the plans I HAVE for you"

I don't struggle with anxiety much any more, thanks to God. But I remember in more anxious days feeling a weight of guilt when I would hear the passage "Be anxious about nothing".... I cannot be not anxious, I would think to myself. And once it is physiological, at times it is true that we cannot help being physically anxious. However, I have come to realize that instead of this passage saying JUST STOP! just STOP IT! STOP WORRYING as I heard it before (Which is impossible! how can I empty my mind of thoughts, without new thoughts with which to replace them? And, it's condemning, which Christ is NOT.), perhaps it means: Stop believing the lie that it's all up to you. Stop carrying the weight of what is not solely yours. Choose, choose to believe the truth that I AM with you, that I DO have plans that I am leading you through. Choose to believe what Corrie Ten Boom says "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still". Perhaps anxiety is flowing from the depths of I. am. alone. Christ does not command us to just put our deepest fears aside, scoffing at them. He knows they come from deep places, He knows life has brought us things that leave us with messages, lies, scarring our hearts. He doesn't ask us to stuff it, pretend, deny it... He softly asks us to pray about these things, and in so doing remember all that He has promised. In time, His perfect Love puts these fears to rest.

So when we simplify our thoughts we are not reveling in the future, regretting the past, or fearing the present. We simply are present. The Lord Jesus has washed my sins away, He has plans for my future and I am allowed to freely live... here. This is what I felt on vacation. Just sitting on the couch. I noticed that (unlike the year before) I was not struggling to pull my mind away from planning thoughts, bitter thoughts, or an attempt to understand everything - those things used to feel necessary for my survival. But now, with those things taken care of... there was nothing left to do but listen and be engaged in the conversation. What a relief!!!!

Things I notice to be huge weights on our minds, taking us away from the present:
1. Finances
2. I'm not good enough, how can I constantly be working towards self-improvment (this is a BIGGIE)
3. Where will I be in 3 months? What will I be doing? How will I pay for it?
4. Bitterness at being wronged

These are all things we do have to think about. But as a thought process stemming from the truth that God is the giver of ALL things, and has promised to take care of us - not a process that is an endless cycle of self-reliance. I must manage my part, and I must not be ruined with striving. It must be a process that leads to responsability and action, but not a false sense of independence. Sometimes the required action is letting go.
Bitterness is one that we are commanded to get rid of, Jesus forgives us and we must forgive as well. Bitterness rots the bones. Let him/her go, let him/her off of the hook. This is another area the Lord has challenged me on this summer and I feel alot better since working it through thoroughly and honestly once and for all. I'm no longer allowed to go back and hold people up to their wrongs in my heart. This simplifies thoughts as well. This can even simplify physical maladies.

Maybe you have other things to add to the list that clutter your mind. Maybe you find yourself at coffee with someone unable to listen to their story because your worries seem to be threatening your life, and you can't pull yourself away from problem solving for just one minute to hear the heart of another. I encourage you. Tell those thoughts that ---actually Jesus is working on that right now, because He has asked me to listen to this person I am with. He is taking over at the office, while I am at lunch -  leave me alone. haha. They have to. If you don't, in an hour you will still have NOT solved that problem and you will miss out on spending time with that person.

Take some time today and notice what you pay attention to. Observe where your mind wanders and pray asking the Lord to show you how you can rely completely on Him in those areas -reaping all of the benefits of our faith.

Help us to simplify our thoughts, Oh Lord. (It's funny because I use the word simplify, but these actions might lead us to make more space for complex creativity and holy rabbit trails- thinking on what's on His heart- while He takes care of the things we cannot fix.)

For more on that I am writing a blog on eliminating striving from our thoughts...the second on the burden list that says "I'm not good enough" -- I hope to finish it, but we shall see....

READ ON!
Planted by water,
Jess

Human Flight

There is a trail by my house that I like to escape to for a good long run as often as I can. It is so close to the strange Baltimore suburbs, and yet covered by a canopy of trees and a path in the sky of bright blue, that makes you feel like there is no way a main road is less than a mile away. This place is for me an unwavering sanctuary. Small overlooks towards the water, a tiny bridge overhead just passed the 2 mile marker. Covered with ice in the winter, mud in the spring, dust in the summer and well... I'm rarely there in the fall, it is always a sweet escape, relentlessly offering a time sequestered away.

Yesterday, I was running and at one point picked up my pace and let my feet come higher off of the ground. For just a second I had the feeling that you get when you are in a dream, and you realize you are in the dream, so you run really fast and then try and take off into flight. I chuckled at how identical the feeling was. Embarrassingly, I ran faster again trying to get that feeling back. I thought to myself "Jessy- run as if you could really fly, like your dreaming" and .....Thank HEAVEN no one was around because I may have looked like sonic the hedge hog (oh, don't pretend like you don't remember sega genesis!) as I tried to run to "lift off" speed.

Suddenly it occurred to me. I was running way better and faster when I thought that maybe I could fly (or at least pretended to think that). My run was better because I had a hope for something higher. It's silly of course to think I would have truly lifted off the ground...but fighting for it, made me run differently. Suddenly I thought of all of the heroes of the faith. They lived like they believed that God would do what He said they would do, and they lived better lives because of it. The crazy part is that they died before He did. He did indeed fulfill His promise. But what if they had lived their life as if He wouldn't. Because, in their human perspective, in the span of their consciousness, He didn't keep His word... But He did keep is word. So they lived according to truth, and because they kept their eyes on this they lived a life more pleasing to God, and a life more in line with the truth than if they had done anything different.
Thinking I am going to be able to fly for no reason, is not the most substantial belief to live by. However, not all the things we can believe in are that ridiculous, and they are literally spelled out in the Bible. Like healing, salvation, Heaven...

If I run like flight is possible, I run better, faster, more efficiently. Maybe if I lived like healing was possible I would be more joyful in the meantime. Maybe if I lived like my dreams and ideas were possible, I would work harder at what I have been given now. Salvation and joy for those I love. And Heaven... what of that reality?! Maybe if I lived like _______ was possible, and that God actually kept His promises (which is, in fact, the truth) maybe I would just live differently...

All the heroes of the faith
lived like God would do what He said
They died before He did
They died before He did

All the heroes of the faith
lived like
He kept His promises
He kept His promises

Maybe if I
ran like I could
Fly
I'd run faster
Maybe if I
ran like I could
fly

B'LIEVE HON: the disillusionment and joy of moving back.

          Last week, taking care of some errands towards the city, it became apparent that I have officially moved. "B'LIEVE" and "HON", and "B'LIEVE HON" stickers plastered the back of most of the SUV's in sight, while the little Honda's carried "Coexist" as their mantra instead. I laughed. Getting out of the car at whole foods I was temped to keep a tally of the "Life is good" apparel bearing the representation of every available pass-time and hobby in teeshirts, hats, stickers and dog-kerchiefs. Where am I? I thought. It's all so familiar and somehow I feel like I don't belong here. I walked into the Starbucks nearby, and ordered my unsweetened ice coffee, left a tip, smiled a thank you, added some cream and headed out the door. The heat surrounded and encouraged the heart that wondered in all of the A/C if it was still in fact summer. It is indeed.
           I have always like Mount Washington. It is self-decsribed as an "enclave of beauty, art, fashion and fine dining", and it has always given me a "one day" sort of feeling. It is small and artistic and well stocked with organic foods and local produce. Slightly above my economical status it always seemed to promise to hold a place in my future, when I would be all grown up and be able to afford a house. Now I've seen many other places and the "one day" feeling can be found in multiple locations. But this, this was the original one day (aside from New England of course). Here I found myself in the middle of it, feeling quite out of place. 
            


Despite my internal revolution, I knew Baltimore would have to be home for more than a couple of weeks, and I needed money. The job search was on my mind constantly up-front and center (and still is, to be honest). 
            I got into my pre-heated oven of a car and proceeded to leave the parking lot. My heart kind of halted a bit as I drove passed the Amazing Glaze (a local paint-your-own-pottery studio), maybe I could get a job there, I circled around, no -it wouldn't pay enough, I circled around again. I doubted the necessity of the unnerving feeling of walking into a cute little place and asking the college-y feeling question in my cute girly voice: "Um- excuse me, are you hiring?" being sure to have a rise in inflection at the end to seem unintimidating and reliable; I just didn't want to do it. I circled yet again. Before I knew it I was walking in, and I ran right into the manager who was hiring indeed. I left the whole cute-high-pitch college-y thing out of it and I probably just sounded like Jessy. The manager had put an ad on craigslist two weeks before and was conducting her interviews TODAY! 



            Did I have a minute to grab a seat, fill out an application and answer some questions? Of course I did. Everything she needed I had experience in, and a love for. Art, kilns, commissioned work, kids etc. I looked around, it seemed every one working was a girl my age who loved art, and was smiling. Long story short I have an offer for a part time job there and it's in the works as I get other commitments sorted out and try and find another job to balance it out.


              God knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me HOPE. Plans to keep me alive (maybe even alive abundantly!) and for now, that is the plan, all else is extra and added benefit. There are many other details to be sorted out financially, and especially health wise (prayers appreciated - diagnoses and progress has been made). But I must hold to the fact that He is in control, He is the God who sees me... He is the God sitting with me at Caribou, smiling from across the table. He is the Love that wont let go of my soul... Perhaps He is the one who led me into the pottery place as well- after all He knows me that well. 


            You find me today with clenched fists slowly releasing. A stubborn obstinate will to make sure I settle anywhere but here...steadily relenting and facing my fixed perceptions and fears. I'm back home, in a place that isn't really home anymore. I don't even know what I want, but being stubborn will just make however long God has me here more miserable. So... I'm letting go bit by bit. How did I manage to find myself here where "life is good" and people "b'lieve" ...hon? Writing this is just making me smile and laugh at myself. I need to just give in. I might not be here forever and being back is a blessing in many ways. Really and truly. I may even get to work around pottery again, a common theme in my life. 


 Seeking Him, and b'lieving His word. 




Planted by water,

Jessy

More On Gifts

A couple of days after I wrote the previous blog entry, I came across friends, and phone calls that touched on this issue as well. Many conversations about wanting to use our talents, giving over talents we have been "sitting on" for selfish reasons, etc. It's been awesome.

I did talk to one very good friend of mine, she's a worship leader, and an artist like myself. She calls me her twin, just 12 years behind. :) We talked on the phone for hours yesterday about this very topic. The ideas have been narrowed down and simplified for me, after spending time with her in conversation and then in Prayer afterwards with Jesus.

It comes down to this: When wanting to be one of the ten "ready virgins", having a full lamp of oil is from spending time with the Lord, He is my life, He is how I am "ready". Also, to take more seriously the "What is that in your hand?" question. My focus right now, is to finish the things I have started. Work on projects I know need to be sold, and also read the last 3rd of a few great books I've started! (And find a job!!!) Haha. It may take some time... it WILL take some time, but God is patient :).

SIMPLIFY!!!!!! SIMPLIFY!!!!!!!

For now, I need to get moving on some practical things as well as finishing these art projects. I feel change in the air, or perhaps I'm still in the semester time-frame habit of things :) ... So pray with me as I look for what God has, living and job-wise... I really don't want anything else. Pray that the voices around that are so loud, are silenced and His direction is clear.

Simplifying Our Goals... 10, 5, 2...

       Was reading this morning in Matthew 25, a string of parables describing the Kingdom of Heaven that Jesus used to call our attention to our "readiness" and how we are living our lives... right now...

       He starts off with the analogy of the 10 virgins: 5 were wise, the other 5 not so much. The 5 wise had oil for their lamps and so when the Bridegroom came, they were let into the wedding (their own wedding). The other 5 had to run and buy more oil and were left pounding on the locked door of the feast with their fists, feeling stupid and disappointed. So, all of us listening to this charismatic, smiling Jesus, wanting only to please Him and be like Him, say how? How do I make sure I'm ready? I don't really want to be one of the five lonely stupid ones...

 Much to our delight, He explains further. A landowner has three servants and leaves 5 talents with one, two with the other, and one with the last. The guy with 5, takes it and invests it, works with it and makes 5 more. The next guy, does the same with his two. The last guy, is scared and thinks he can outsmart the landowners uncanny ways of getting things done - so he buries it, does nothing with it out of fear. 

The landowner comes back. He's happy with the first two, and blesses them with more. However, as you may have guessed, he is pretty angry at the next guy and sends him where the foolish servants go, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth?!?!! Say WHAT?! The Bible straight up calls this guy a worthless servant! At this point in reading, I crack my back and squint my eyes -I'm a little bit nervous.  I just want to make sure that I'm not this dude; I don't want to be unprepared and I don't want to be "worthless". Agh! How do I NOT be this guy?!

So, now Jesus narrows it down again and there are only two options. This is where He talks about the sheep and the goats. All of a sudden light is dispelled every where, His diaphanous and easy yoke is all that remains on our shoulders, and we are not condemned. Those who have fed the hungry, given water to the thirsty, welcomed in the strangers, visited the sick, visited those in prison, those are the ones He knows, and welcomes them into His kingdom. These are the wise virgins, these are the good stewards. It all comes down to His easy yoke, His greatest commandment, loving God with everything and loving our neighbor with everything. Who is our neighbor? Those that society says are dirt, those we are framed to believe are our enemy.  While this is a deep sigh of relief it is also a call to continuous action. We may have done this before, but being ready may mean we continue to do so.

As I was reading this, I was challenged to answer the good ole' Moses question: What is that in your hand? What do I have? My whole day has been messed up. My whole mind is reeling with ideation and desire. How can I use these talents, these resources, what I have right now... and make them grow, make more out of it. The earthly pressure of "big ideas" is suddenly lifted when we are reminded that our goal is to love and obey God and in turn love others as Jesus did. They seem unrelated to me at times, worshipping God, visiting someone who is sick and making a book cover or a painting... but they are not. Luckily, we are not expected to be perfect and understand it all. Christ's sacrifice on the cross has paid it all -He is our righteousness.

 Today it has been my thought process to ask how? How my love for God and my gift and talents can all work together. and what decisions am I to make today to thrive in this principle? Investing my talents? Walking in obedience? Loving my neighbor... 

So maybe as I am on the journey of growing and investing in my literal talents, I will be on the road with people that I can love, feed, and visit. Perhaps I can use my gifts to put me around hurting and hungry people, use my gifts to love... to feed the soul. 

THEN- seeing as the idea of my life has been to slow down and simplify, I can feel my artist-mind getting filled with ideas, but if I followed through on all of them immediately, I'd be right where I started: a busy and scattered mess. So to proceed passionately, and strategically.... this is what I am praying about. 

What do you want from me, God?!

Anyway- I have come to no grand conclusion, but I did want to blog today, and this is what was on my mind. If you have made it to the end of this long blog I congratulate you on your attention span! Thanks for all of the feed back - email me thoughts. I love you all. 

PS-(This whole putting my thoughts in public thing is still a strange feeling for me... but some how I have a feeling it has to do with not burying coins and I'm trying to just go with it. :)  Thanks for the support!

Change of plans!

So...

My car broke down, down, down, down --yesterday. I'll be at the cabin until Thursday. A little extra break time never hurt anyone. Can't help but feel like God is up to something over here :)

Please pray with me for provision, and also for direction upon my return. Is it still rest time? Job time? For now, it seems when I am moving to other things, He is closing doors.  The good news is that He already promised provision and He already promised direction, so my heart is not afraid- and the prayers of a righteous man or woman profits much! So pray with me!!! My job is to wait patiently... and move ahead if little opportunities arise. I'm still smiling and rolling with the punches!

When I get back, I will be working on two paintings for some friend/clients, and I guess I can start with that.

I'm really excited to see where the Lord takes me next, hoping for a season of settling into myself a little bit more- and having some fun! Looking around at where He has me right now is a season of its own and I'm delighted by that. I hope not to miss a thing.

I may head down to the lake today.

Jess

I love you!

Hey All,


Thanks to so many of you who have been telling me you're reading all of my blogs. It means a whole lot, and I have so many more supporters than I expected... I had one of those perspective nights tonight. The kind that go down in your heart's history for good... So, I just wanted to tell you all that I love you. I love the gifts and hearts you've all been given. Go do what's in your heart to do! No time for all this waiting to be perfect stuff. We really do only have today.


He lived for that.


<3
J

Sunday

So, I prayed yesterday that I would be able to meet people or a person to have lunch with today... Sundays are meant for eating with people I feel, even in a week of solitude :). Expecting to meet some random "young people" at church ... I was wrong, and pleasantly surprised. 
Sometimes God answers prayers in ways that you just can't make up:


I visited a local church today, a pleasant service however no one my age was to be seen... anywhere...and no random families i knew from someone who knew someone. But I was kind of TOTALLY ok with that..and ready to head home and relax. As I pulled out I saw two backpackers crossing the busy main road (not like york road, or Ridge pike... more like a mini high way with a walmart) Not thinking of lunch plans at all.... just assuming they came from the near by mountains and would love a place to shower, I pulled out and made a U-turn. I had to get gas so I pulled in to the station near where they were and guess who was walking in at the same time as me. Nicole. :)


 I am always intrigued by other people's outdoor adventures so I asked her (looking as though I hadn't set foot in the outdoors in my life being that I was wearing a pink dress with a little flower on it and a white sweater [have YOU ever seen me in a pink dress??? exactly.] hilarious) "Dude did you guys backpack here?!" The answer was Yes, from Nevada! Hitchhiking there way to a festival in NH. WOW. So, they came over the house, took showers and ate lunch. We had a great time, shared food, stories and ideas...and made new friends. They even met my dear friend Nathan from Colorado (via Skype) and then I took them back. 


And that's how I met Ethan and Nicole -- my unexpected lunch buddies. HI GUYS!!!


The next time you find a couple strangers showering/eating in your house...check your calendar-- it's probably Sunday, no one should be alone on Sunday unless they wanna be :-)


Planted by water
J

Solo Kayaking: Strongly Recommended :)

Best hour of silence I could have asked for

(At night: chillin and playing while it simmers (A new coconut curry recipe. wow!)

(Drove to the highest resort hotel and stole their  sunset view. This picture does %0 justice... it was amazing.)

The Cabin

Family and Friends, 

I'm sure its been confusing if you're checking in looking for pictures of the farm... As it happens, plans have changed a bit and it's very clear I'm not to make a big move just yet, even for the summer. While I am housesitting in PA this week, home base is Baltimore... at least for today :) I'm literally taking it one day at a time, trying my best to be open to whatever He has. That's the update! 

for now... 

THE CABIN:

My little kayaking adventure (more on that in the next post)

THIS WEEK I have been housesitting at a cabin home of dear family friends of ours. It has been a dream come true. I am so so grateful to them for needing a dog sitter and being so hospitable. Only God knew how much I needed this! I prayed that each day of this week would go by slowly and last a loooong time, and my prayers have sure been answered. I arrived here tuesday night, and my wonderful activities (or festivities??) have already included X-Men (loved it!), reading, tanning in the sun, reading, dancing, praying, stargazing, I made the best batch of granola I have ever concocted, went on my first solo kayaking adventure, saw my friend from MN (the one with the farm), watched movies, played guitar, exercise... lots of journaling....and of course... sleeping. :) 

God has been so so good, and we've had some interesting conversations this week. His love for us is immense... He knows me well enough to know that a lake house in the mountains is more personal to me and meaningful than even a condo in hawaii (call me crazy!), not that I'd fight that ;), but this is just more me. It's perfect. Cabin, dogs, lakes, mountains, music, good coffee, good food. deal. And here, He is letting me slowly learn to know Him and trust Him in a new way... it's certainly a process. But a great one! 

I guess the encouraging word I would leave you with is that God really does have good in store for you. And, today is part of that, even if it doesn't feel like it. The blind man in the Bible comes to mind, the one who wasn't blind because he did anything wrong but so God could be glorified. I'm starting to see that the difference between knowledge and understanding is experience. I cannot know and understand Him as Healer ---until I need healing. So then, perhaps my pain was allowed so that His character could be magnified in my life, and in those around me. Then we can know Him better... Isn't that why we're here?

Where I eat breakfast every morning! :)

I am hesitant to say it, for fear that the words themselves would shatter it like glass -it feels new and fragile yet... But I haven't been this peaceful and happy in a long time. I'm so content. Healing is real, at all stages of it. He is so good, and He promises to restore... if only we will listen when He bids us to  rest... to simplify and be ok with focusing on what matters at the moment. 

HE LOVES US!!!!!! He is the Good, the ENEMY is the condemning, bitter god we create in our minds. The Word says He is abounding in Love and slow to anger. :) 

Planted by water,

Jess

Discipline of Rest

          Last weekend I went with a friend to her uncles cabin, a beautiful vintage 10 room hotel, converted into a weekend home. Just by the water, or "crik" as they say 'round these parts. The house stood in the middle of the mountains. No cell phone reception, no city sounds, clear nights layers and layers deep with stars; this place was lovely. 


          Friday night we talked to her family for a while, and of course, as every one does at one in the morning after a long drive, we lit huge fireworks. Then, we went off to bed. I awoke to the sound of an AK47 firing into the hills, right off of our back porch.  I'm not very used to that, but it was great! The sun waited for no one's permission to start beating down hard- we could tell it was gonna be a warm day. I decided to hit the trail before breakfast, avoiding the worst of it, and go for a run. Take a deep breath with me.... sigh.... and picture a creek with two PA-sized mountains on the other side, covered in green. They intersected like the two hills in the Lion Witch and the Wardrobe (gosh, must everything be Narnia? Yes.) I couldn't help but chuckle and think "myyyy house, is betweeeen those hills" (that's a little shout out to my siblings) as I caught up to the trail head. Trees lined either side at first and kind of arched over it like a canopy. Take another deep breath..... Enter into green. Wooded now, on one side, a road on the other. As you get further in, you cross over the road, then the trail widens and it's just you, the "crik" and the woods. 


           Entering this scene made me smile uncontrollably. Which would have been fine, except I forgot my headphones that day, and I was borrowing someones "got-these-for-christ-mas" pink ear muff headphones. I looked like I had been let out from somewhere for the day, earmuffs in 90 degrees and smiling like I knew something everyone else didn't know. Haha! Anyways, being that God still loves me even when I look like that, I heard from Him very clearly that morning. 


          As I ran I lost track of distance. I was pretty sure I passed the two mile mark, and thought about turning around. It was getting too warm to do any more than 4 miles. This is the point at which my initial instinct is to push one more mile and beast it. Instead, I just felt as thought someone put their hands on my shoulders and slowed me down- rest, Jessy, rest!  
"But God," I argued "I have this whole break and I want to learn more discipline"
I felt the hands on my shoulders again, like a stern father "Rest IS a discipline!" 


It hit me like a ton of bricks. For someone like me in the habit of pushing further, running more, being busier, being more productive...learning to rest ...... requires discipline. Teach me about this my heart silently prayed. And I kid you not, I looked up and saw patch of sunlight shining through the trees on a little bench by the water. And, like any girl in a good Academy Award winning film, I took a seat and a deep breath and looked around. It is cliche, I'm sorry, but when I move too fast I really do miss the view. The hills were breath taking and the water flowed steadily down stream, making mini waves and ripples light shone here and there, and a breeze played with my hair. Little violets grew where my feet were. Chipmunks let their tails carry them through the air as the bounded past the trail. An occasional splash could be heard from a fish jumping out of the water... 


Isn't rest selfish though, I thought. Like, what if they're wondering where I am. And I came to visit and I'm not there... I don't know why I wanted to argue the wonderful command to take a breather, maybe I just wanted reassurance that it really is ok... 


Rest isn't selfishness, rest is gratefulness... 


Another ton of bricks hit my mind as the idea occurred to me. I'm often moving so fast trying to be "unselfish" when in fact I am missing a key component to serving the Lord. Gratefulness. Actually, isn't serving our Lord one big act of gratefulness?? I feel like I'm only scratching the surface of a life long lesson. Rest is taking the time to look around and notice. Noticing all that I have been given, soaking in what I so often miss and saying Thank You for this, for all of this ... there is so much.


I guess that's what taking a Sabbath is; it's being the one leper that came back. It's taking a big sigh and falling to the ground and in all of our healthy weekly fatigue saying "thank you..." --- 


This reminds me of one more thought that I will leave you with: God often speaks to me on morning runs. And on another run before I moved, I felt the Lord bring to my attention that REST, is from the word RESTORATION. Don't think about a tacky sermon application here... think about etymology... rest is short for being restored... it's a nickname. :) So when you pray for restoration and He asks you to slow down... it's an answer to your prayer :)


"[And] after you have suffered a little while will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast" (1Pete5:10) ...meaning, He will make us rest..."He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul"
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All my love, take it easy. 

Planted by water, 

Jessy

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This reminds me of a book that helped me begin this journey back in April. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's about stopping in the moment, and being grateful when we ARE busy. To seek out beauty and live lives of gratefulness, living fully- today. Check it out, along with her photos and blog. One Thousand Gifts

Rest- a women's devotional

Perfect!!!! Check this out
Read June 2, 2011 (today's post) "Should I Quit"

Should I Quit?

An Honest Post

I'm sitting in a pile of scraps and wet brushes and unfinished book pieces...not sure how to feel. What used to take me 1 or 2 sittings to complete now takes 3, 4, or 5. It's a fun project worth the time, and it's not the books I'm worried about. 


Today started with no alarm, just the sun coming in round the edges of the curtains and baking my once cool body under the blankets. My eyes opened slowly and my throat felt like the size of a baseball. I couldn't say anything... so I didn't.  A quiet morning and a trip to the clinic. I think my first words of the day were, "Do you take uninsured?". Not strep, just upper respiratory-ouch and sleepy. A day on the couch, and a tired bit on the piano. Forced to rest, exhausted by any attempt to the contrary. With the RI trip cancelled, CT trip cancelled... my "plans" are changing everyday, and I'm just going along for the ride. It's like a flight...happily not in control, sitting back, but unpleasantly unaware of the planes intentions to land, when, where and in what condition?


Rest, and let Me work. Rest... begs He.


Resting...though it is my goal at the moment, frustrated me today. I couldn't figure why until now. When it comes down to it, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing control, losing my love of discipline, losing my strict boundaries on food, exercise, or losing purposefulness, productivity, social interactions of all types, mentoring, being mentored. It sounds dramatic, but when I go from all to nothing it seems like everything could just disappear. I have to relax my mind as well as my body, and that frightens me. I guess I am feeling the effects of saying bye-bye to a habit: the habit of striving. The habit of always having to be productive, the habit of being rigid and hard on myself,---I thought my value came from productivity and letting go makes me afraid of losing myself. Christian cliche's and even scriptures are running through my head a million miles per minute in response to my own sentiments. If I lose my life I'll find it, sure. But that's scary! Let's be real! Lose it and find what?! ... *Sigh* That is the journey, I suppose, is it not? To let myself be rid of my own "make myself good enough tactics" and be formed by the desires of the heart of my Father, and not my fear of His rejection. Is this where I find my Life? 


On the way home from the redbox tonight I pulled over and watched the sunset. It was a brilliant pink, a fan of rays spraying in every direction like a child's drawing of sunlight. Each ray weaving in an out between puffs of clouds that looked like they had pulsed from a steam train in perfect morse code. The breeze was wonderful and the sun smoldered, a deeper fiery magenta with each moment as it exhaled towards the horizon. This is worth it; learning to slow down again... 
I have been praying for God to bring back to life, to give feeling to the soul of mine that had numbed itself to survive hurtful words and disappointments. But in order to feel, I have to open my soul, and let it breathe. 


If I saw child-Jessy standing on the curb beside my car, I'd see a faith filled little ball of energy who wouldn't be dragged away from the sunset if you paid her.  Twenty-two year old Jessy looks with weary eyes towards the beautiful shifting light, reaches into her soul and finds only child-words: words like a velveteen rabbit longing to be real. 


"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. 
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 
"When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."


Make me real, make me feel. 
Even though it hurts. 

^{Psalm 34}

³ Glorify the LORD with me; 

   let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 

   he delivered me from all my fears. 

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant; 

   their faces are never covered with shame. 

⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; 

   he saved him out of all his troubles. 

⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, 

   and he delivers them.

The book supplies must be cleaned up now. The title of this new one is "The Silent Reading Hour" and it has quiet houses by the water on it. A perfectly timed reminder -and i have no choice but to be silent for a few days because it hurts to talk! haha! Maybe I'll put a little rabbit inside to remind me that silence, rest, is part of becoming real. : ) 

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."