An unexpected twist in the progression of entries, when I woke up with a vivid image in my mind of my current state: tired.
I fell asleep to the end of The Chronicles of Narnia last night. I love the books that I have read and the movies (except for Prince Caspian, which is exceptionally lame in my opinion) I really like! I'm just going to put it out there now, that nothing....nothing gets my heart like a walk through Narnia weather by book or screen. The ideas in Narnia of who God is and how we relate to him, how we heal others, and how sacrifice and Truth all work together, strike a chord in my heart. It's a chord so deep in me -the chord that resonates a painful and hesitant hope---that all of this might be true. Now that I am typing that idea, I remember it was one of CS Lewis' original intentions in his use of children's literature- tapping into our childlike imagination -in order to bring out the terrifying reality that all we hope to be real, might just be. With those images fresh in my mind, upon waking I saw myself in a vivid image, able to put to pictures what the word "tired" just was not encompassing.
For the past few months, I would wake up tired. Lay in my bed and not get out until I could convince myself by prayer, pep talking, and scheduling of eating and breathing between responsibilities, that I could get it all done. Years of running and running and running have left me in need of collecting months worth of Sabbaths. I have tried to observe faithfully the Sabbath in the past years, I truly love that day. However, all of my years of busyness have not been just physical, but something in my mind and soul that is refusing to rest- leaving me in need of a larger dose of psychological sabbath than I could have imagined.
To bring you up to speed: Basically, last year I was working three jobs, helping out with youth, and I was a small group leader. The overbooked schedule caught up to me. Then, I moved to lower my expenses and start art classes, I moved in with a wonderful family who takes great care of me as part of their own! And, I was working alot at Starbucks and taking classes, my commutes were much longer than ideal, and work alot more strenuous; I was so so tired. Through many great conversations and some soul-searching, I discovered that that weariness was over scheduling, yes, but more so a mental battle. Always fighting to have the right answer, to keep busy and not feel alone. That's about as deep in that pond as we will swim today, however, that's the sum of it. So, with my job taxing my mind and driving me crazy as well, I could sense I wanted to do other things, I was just too afraid. So, with prospects of a summer job on a farm out in the boonies- and the confidence that if God was indeed BEGGING me to slow down, and simplify (which he was through my tiredness, and many other things)-that He would provide for the small space in between, I put in my 2 (3) weeks and finished up my classes as well.
I had been desiring, day dreaming about, and longing for a mini-sabbatical in increasing amounts for months leading up to this decision. So I took it. And, with confidence that God would provide, He has. And that should bring us to where we are in the story.
This morning, with Starbucks and classes behind me, in my teenage bedroom in baltimore, and a wide open space to breathe, I saw myself at Aslan's camp (O my gosh, Jessy is such a nerd! How does she still have friends?!?!), a girl-soldier in the army, who had returned weeks after everyone from the most recent battle (Oh, the epic drama!!!!haha) I had been fighting the battle of survival, trying to get back to camp where the army was... Then I returned, there I was dirty, hungry, and ill, left with no fight in me -collapsed in a heap at the door of Aslan's tent. Waiting for Him.
This mental battle has brought up many interesting and hard questions about my view of God, myself, and my relationship to Him. The wonderful fact is that His truth runs a whole lot deeper than even my ability to cognize it, thank Him. How deep and valiant His grace, that I might be able to stumble upon his perimeter in all of my doubt and beg Him for truth to be brought to light in my confused and tired mind. I know He will. The uncertainty of what God has for us can make our hearts afraid and un-trusting, but my dear Friends, He is always good. Always. I am not yet sure what this means in many circumstances, but I know that it is true. And, I know that Jesus said "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The Psalmist said, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, and He restores my soul"(Ps 23), The book of Peter says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." (1Peter5:10)
So, with confidence and gratefulness I let my weary self be placed at his feet, the door of His tent, as I wait and trust for strength, and restoration in this time of rest...This is His promise.
So come to Him all you who are weary, find rest.
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